Suddenly Single & Thriving

 When your life suddenly implodes, it can be hard to know where to go to find support.  Of course, you can talk to people in your real life--friends, family, pastors, church family.  While they mean well and they will love you through it, sometimes it can feel like they just don't get it.  And sometimes they get tired of hearing you hash things out.   I found my place on  Instagram .  Not only did I find a number of accounts to follow, but I also was able to share things about my life and get it out there. It helped to find people who were going through similar things that I could learn from.   Here are some accounts I have found helpful: Inspirational:   Toby Mac Speak Life :  Life quotes, mostly Christian, encouraging. The Single Woman :  Mandy Hale, writer.  Her books are so helpful and encouraging.  And her posts are funny and very relatable.  Narcissism: Narcissist Recovery :  Posts about narcissism  Petra Van Deijil :  Emotional abuse and narcissism Betrayal Trauma Recovery B

  One thing that worked for me was to keep a list of all the new things I did in that first year.  I'd never run a household completely on my own, or cared for the kids alone, or made huge life decisions without a partner.  (of course, now I'd argue that I actually did all those things on my own before, but I had another person in my orbit who seemed to be there with me.) I decided to keep a list on my phone of everything I did that I hadn't done before.  I added new things to the list for the full 12 months after he left.  Here's what it looked like: -got oil changed--on my mom's car as I didn't have a vehicle after he left and she lent me hers. -got my own car--I've never had a car where I was the sole driver -took car to mechanic--also got my own mechanic  -jump started a car--with the help of the lovely lady across the street  -turned off the furnace -turned on the air conditioner -called a repair person for the air conditioner -learned how to clean the

When I was first separated, I was overwhelmed by all the money matters.  I was left with a lot of debt and no child support at first.  I didn't handle the finances before as that was my ex's job--truthfully I had been groomed to believe that I could not handle the money because it was too much for me to do.  So, I was really at a loss of how to proceed when I was suddenly on my own. During  Divorce Care , I was introduced to Dave Ramsey.  He covered just a bit of his  7 Baby Steps  in the course material.  It was easy to understand and helped me to feel like I had a starting point.  I started building up my starter emergency fund, and then used the debt snowball to tackle the debt.   I also learned about budgeting.  I got the basic information I needed about how to make a budget by listing out all of my income and all of my expenses.  Knowing what needed to be paid (or paid off) helped me to feel in control of my money.  I was telling my money where to go instead of wondering w

 I'm not going to talk about therapy on your phone which you can do of course.  Instead, here are a few things I did that helped me through the healing process. First, I changed my ex's name on my phone so that I didn't have to see his name every time he texted.  Please learn from me and don't use a name that you wouldn't want your kids to see.  Kids see everything !  And they will tell everyone.  (which is why I also know what my name is in his phone and let's just say, anything I used was tame by comparison).  The name that worked for me and caused the least anxiety was "Kids' Father".  Simple, to the point, and not in any way insulting. I also decided that I needed a new tone for my messages.  Since I didn't have anyone complimenting me on a regular basis, I changed my text tone to a male voice that says, "Hey Beautiful, you've got a text message!".  Yes, really.  One of my friends thought I was hilarious, but I enjoyed hearing

How are you holding up? It was a bit of a struggle for me at the beginning.  Putting up the tree was a little depressing and one of my kids pointed out that it was a reminder of the not so great times we had.  There were the times their dad put together their toys without them (and played with them), "the crappy gifts dad gave you mom, remember the year he didn't get you anything?"--Yes, yes I do, and other not so great memories.  For what it's worth, there is a lot of information out there on how narcissists ruin holidays.   Once we realized that we had these little "triggers" and we saw why we were feeling bad, it was easier to face it and make some changes. We've kept a few traditions from when the kids were small and we've slowly been building new traditions.    For the tree, we've added fancy new lights that do a light show, you just put the ring on the top of the tree, and they drape down.  So easy, and pretty with little effort!  We put ne

I don't know how I found Chump Lady , but I'm so glad I did!  Some people find Chump Lady's language to be a deterrent, but I have to say that she says it like it is and I really needed that, especially at the beginning when I had so much anger. Think of Chump Lady as part Dear Abby and part best friend who will cuss out your ex and set your thinking right.  People write and Chump Lady gives advice.  She was a chump too, so she gets it.   One of my favourite parts on her site is the UBT, Universal Bullshit Translator .  The UBT translates the smarm that a chump receives, usually in the form of an email or text, into what the FW (you can look this one up on her site) is actually saying.  After listening to BS for years, having someone break it down helps you to see it for what it really is, BS.   Chump Lady let me know that I didn't have to buy into the reconciliation trope.  I don't have to co-parent with my ex and have that perfect post that shows me and the stepm